Would You Still Love Me If...
by Virginie
Summary: Updated: Chapters 2-5 up. Please R&R...And it gets REALLY good by Chapter 6, which is already on the way...Please dont hate me...This is my first fic ever :o)
1. Coming Back

blockTitle: Would You Still Love Me If. Author: Virginie Disclaimer: I own none of them. *sob.sniff.sob.* A/N: This takes place after Rory comes back from DC. Includes spoilers. Also, anyone who would like to beta read for me, please e-mail me at francofolle@sympatico.ca .Please please R&R. Chapter 2 through 5 are already written, but wont be posted unless I get reviews (positive or otherwise.) God, I love blackmail.  
  
Coming Back  
  
It's not that I don't like school. God knows I love it, but there is something that makes me a little sad about going back tomorrow. It's not the classes, and seeing Paris, or having to be vice-president. It's more about what I'll be leaving behind unsolved. Two months ago, at Sookie's wedding, I kissed Jess...Yeah, I know I already wrote about that, and I don't want to open that wound again, because I know it'll hurt. But so much happened while I was in Washington, all because of that one little kiss.  
  
First, no more than a day after I got there, I got a phone call from Dean (who had mysteriously disappeared before my departure. But this phone call wasn't a happy one, and I immediately knew it by the tone of his voice. He was calling to break up with me. He had seen Jess and I. I guess it all makes sense now: his mysterious disappearance, his attitude at the wedding and how he didn't kiss me goodnight that night. I was inconsolable, for a few days. Then something clicked. Maybe it wasn't meant to be between me and Dean. Maybe that kiss with Jess happened for a reason.  
  
It was a wonderful kiss. More than I had ever had with Dean. It was more than that kiss with Tristan. With them, things were rational and sensible. This was reckless...passionate. I even surprised myself, and to be honest, I liked it. And I want more of those kisses. I want more book banter and reading margins. I want more boyish teasing and immature pranks. I just want more Jess Mariano. Even if it's hard for me to admit. Even if he isn't the boy my mother trusts the most (in fact, she doesn't trust him at all). Even if I've deceived a ton of people when I'm around him...Despite all that, I want to be with him. How could I have been foolish enough to think he wanted to be with me as well?  
  
When I came back from Washington, I was determined to tell Jess how I felt. Even if that meant exposing myself to the town and starting up the gossip mill. I hadn't talked to Jess after our kiss, and I knew something needed to be said. And I was going to speak first. I went to Luke's and saw what broke my heart into a thousand little pieces: Jess was kissing another girl. Slim, blond, attractive...I'd seen her around when I went to Stars Hollow High. I didn't even go in. I walked past and around and made my way back home, tears streaming down my face...Shane! I just remembered, that was her name. Shane Johnson. And he was dating her. Or maybe not dating...But he was doing things with her, and obviously it's not the things friends do...Well, most friends do...Ok, let's just say it was the type of things that PLATONIC friends don't do...  
  
This all happened today, and I guess in a way school will be a welcomed distraction. Sure, things are still unsolved. My kiss hasn't been explained, but I don't think I will. After all, he has a girlfriend now. I think breaking up two relationships in a month would be a bit much. /block 


	2. Ordinary Observer

Ordinary Observer  
  
Today was a HORRIBLE day! It started with a bang, when I went to the diner with mom. I tried to convince her we should try something new, but she argued that Luke's was still the best place, and that if we didn't show up he might go fishing again, and then we'd have to go to other places everyday, and they might not have good coffee...So I caved in. Who cares if Jess is there, right?  
  
So he brought us our coffee and started to take our order. Now little did I realise, this was the first time I talked to him after the kiss. My heart was racing and I was stumbling on every word, giggling nervously but never looking up from the menu (which I don't even need to order...). It took me at least ten minutes to order pancakes (all right, maybe not ten, but it felt like ten). Lorelai watched amused and Jess cocked an eyebrow every time I stumbled on a syllable. I wanted orange juice, but I decided to give up on that. Two many letters.  
  
As soon as he left, Lorelai said "So the kiss was that good, huh?" with a big smirk. I just stared down at the placemats and swirled my cup of coffee around. She continued "See, I knew you had a thing for him...I knew you were falling for him, and you would never admit it." I looked up, signalling for her to shush. "Just be careful, all right? I don't want you to get hurt." she finished. I knew mom was afraid of what could happen if I got involved with Jess. Sure, Dean looked a little like my dad, but according to mom, Jess was exactly like him. Rebellious, reckless...She was afraid of me, the golden child, becoming like her. I wanted to scream "Don't you know I'm already hurt? He's dating another girl, why wouldn't I be hurt? I guess you should be happy...He'll stay far away from me!" but I kept quiet.  
  
I sat there, munching on my pancakes while she rambled, trying to find a way to upset grandma at this week's dinner. She rambled on over the pros and cons of various body piercing. When breakfast was over, we left and I headed for Chilton, where Paris greeted me, to nag about the importance of me speaking as vice-president at public addresses. Then, she ordered me to stay after school to work on the Franklin, and quite frankly, I was a little happy. It meant that I wouldn't have to go to the Diner for supper.  
  
After that, I came back home. I took the bus, and walked home from the bus stop. The one were Dean had waited for me so many times. Surprisingly, I didn't even feel a tinge of hurt. I just walked on. But the pain just took over when I walked by the town square. On a bench by the gazebo sat Jess. Just reading. Reading with a pen behind his ear. And though to most people, this would seem completely irrelevant; to me it was like I was tapping into his world. I knew what he was doing with that pen. I knew he would write notes in the margins. And the thought that our friendship had been ruined by a kiss was just unbearable. I would never read the notes in those margins. I was just an outsider now. An observer of his life, life the rest of the town. Tears began to stream down my face, so I picked up the pace. I ran into the house, wiped my tears long enough to say goodnight to mom and went to bed, just trying to end this day as quickly as possible. 


	3. Real Friends Stab You In The Front

Real Friends Stab You in the Front  
  
I am SUCH a witch! I can't believe what I did. How horrible am I....The guilty conscience is haunting me...My life is over as I am now confined to instant coffee for the rest of my Stars Hollow existence!  
  
It all started ten days ago. I was sitting by a tree in town, reading The Great Gatsby when a familiar voice called my name.  
  
"Rory!" called Jess, approaching the tree.  
  
"Hey." I replied flatly, not looking up from the book.  
  
"What are you reading?" he asked, taking the book from me. "...Aah! The Great Gatsby! Yes. Very romantic. Different lives, all intertwined because of their relation to Gatsby...Kind of like this town gravitating around you and your mother, I guess."  
  
"Guess so." I said, trying to get the book back, but failing.  
  
"Did I do something?" he asked.  
  
"No." I replied angrily, "No, you did nothing at all. But I guess that's the problem. You never do anything. Everything is always 'Okay. Whatever.'", I said mimicking his voice.  
  
"So, everything is fine?" he joked. But I wasn't in the mood to joke...No, that's a lie. I was just not in the mood to joke with him. I looked away. He still had my book, and didn't seem to want to leave.  
  
"May I have my book back?" I asked flatly.  
  
"Not until you tell me why you've been avoiding me." he said.  
  
It was now or never. I had to tell him what was on my mind...From the moment I opened my mouth to the end of my monologue, I could see the look on his face go from confusion to sadness to anger to flat out pain. I had effectively broken off the link with Jess in 3 minutes flat!  
  
"Well, maybe I just came to my senses. Maybe I realised what the whole town knew all along: that your just Luke's no good New Yorker bum-of-a-nephew. Maybe now I just know that there really is nothing more to you than a trouble maker, future high-school dropout with not much of a future. Maybe you've proved to me that despite everything I saw in you, you really are only a player..."  
  
"A player?" he asked.  
  
"Yes, a player! I mean, you kiss me..."  
  
"Hey, YOU kissed me!" he corrected.  
  
"Whatever. You kissed back...You kiss me, and when I come back, there you are, sucking face with this...this...this tramp! And so yeah, that's exactly why I've been ignoring you. Because my mother was right and you really are bad for me."  
  
He stood up and with so much hurt in his eyes; he said "I don't have to take this."  
  
"You're right. You don't." I shouted.  
  
"Fine!"  
  
"Fine!"  
  
He walked away and I cried. Truth is, I didn't mean a single thing I had said. But it was exactly what the town thought of him, and I think that's what hurt him most. That now, there was truly no reason for him to be here. No one in town had a single good thing to say about him.  
  
And now it's been ten days. Ten days where I haven't been to Luke's. I actually bribed mom to get me coffee for the first few days, but when she heard what happened from Miss. Patty, she refused to get me anything from Luke's until I made an effort to talk to Jess. And so, here I am. Sinking to a brand new low. No only letting down a friend, but also drinking instant coffee. I feel so dirty... 


	4. Windows and Guilt

Windows and Guilt  
  
I don't know where to stand right now. The other night, just as I started thinking I may never speak to Jess again, something simply incredible happened.  
  
I was sleeping. It was late at night, and I had had a long, painful week at school. I was as peaceful as I had ever been, when out of the blue I was startled by tapping sounds on my window. I glanced up and almost screamed when I saw Jess. Just standing there, with a finger to his lips. I frowned at him, before running outside in my flannel pajamas. Barefoot, I stepped on the cold wet grass, joining him in front of my window.  
  
"What the hell are you doing?" I muttered.  
  
"Well, I was just about to Dawson's Creek my way into your room. You know you're a deep sleeper? I've been here, tapping my knuckles bloody for at least ten minutes."  
  
"Why did you come?" I asked softly. I had insulted him so much the other day, I never expected him to ever speak to me again.  
  
"I came to bring you this." he said, holding out a book. But it wasn't a published book. It was a diary. I opened it and looked in to see that it was his diary..."The Book of Jess", in a way.  
  
"It's my diary." he explained. "It covers from the eighth grade to now. I finished filling it a month ago, after you left for DC..."  
  
"Why are you...?" I asked, not understanding why he wanted me to read his most private thoughts.  
  
"I want you to know that I'm not half as bad as you said I was the other day. I mean, it really hurt me to think that I had deceived the one person in this town who saw me for who I truly am...."  
  
"I didn't mean a word of what I said..." I tried, but he cut me off.  
  
"No, Rory. It's okay. Really. You wouldn't be the first. But I still wanted you to read this. You don't have to, but maybe you'd understand some things. Well, I should go. See ya Ror." He waved timidly and walked away, stuffing his hands into his pockets.  
  
"Jess!" I shouted. He turned around. "I'm sorry." I finished. He smiled, nodded slowly and continued walking.  
  
Tears in my eyes, I returned to my room and cried myself to sleep. 


	5. The Truth

The Truth  
  
If Jess hadn't come to talk to me that night, I would have never made the first move. I was so ashamed of judging him, and I knew too well that he was hurt by what I'd said. I could never apologize enough for the way I'd treated him. Truth was, I still loved him and the last thing I wanted him to think was that I felt even a shred of hatred towards him. But from the look on his face, I could see how badly he wanted to mend whatever he'd done.  
  
The next day, after eating breakfast, I went back home. It was Saturday, but mom had business at the inn, so I had the house to myself. I curled up on the couch and opened Jess's Diary. It felt so forbidden at first, to read about his first girlfriend, his first love, his first kiss...But after a while, it just felt like he was telling her those stories. And after a few pages, she realised that who he is now isn't who he was in the eighth grade.  
  
When he was 13, his father passed away. He had been living with him most of his life, but now had to go live with his mother. She had developed a lifestyle that made it hard to accommodate a child. She would go out at night, rarely spending time with Jess. His grades, which had been not outstanding but slightly above average in the past, were beginning to suffer. He just didn't care anymore. So he buried his head in books. He'd spend nights sitting by his window, watching to see if his mother was coming home, looking at the stars, turning on only his book light so he wouldn't dim their beauty. But his mother never did come home. Not until the early hours of the morning and by that time, she was too tired or too hung over to spend time with her son.  
  
He grew up, making a few friends here and there but feeling so lonely all of the time. The smile he put on in public, the stunts he pulled to attract attention were just the facade he put up for the world to see. Inside, he was still that sad 13 year old boy, mourning his father's...his best friend's death, without a shoulder to cry on...Dodger? No, he was more like Oliver. Trying to find his place in the world, with no one who really cared.  
  
Then he moved to Stars Hollow. And for the first time in 4 years, there was someone who saw him for who he truly was inside. There was someone who was able to make him open up (a little), as he'd been keeping every kind of emotion in for years. Love, hate, happy, sad...It was always hidden by the always cool facade.  
  
But with me, he felt like I understood. I didn't know, but I understood him. I knew he wasn't a bad kid. Just a little starved for attention, but without bad intentions. I was his best friend...His only friend. And he was falling in love with her. He saw me with Dean, and it tore his heart. But he knew he couldn't say anything, like you don't say anything about liking the prom queen when you know her football player boyfriend is nearby.  
  
But most of all, he was afraid of losing that friend. His only friend.  
  
Then came Sookie's wedding, and that kiss...He had wanted to avoid it, and at first he wanted to pull away, but he didn't. He refused to. He just pulled me closer and we got caught in the moment. But when I ran away, and then when I left for Washington without saying goodbye, he thought it had just been a heat of the moment thing, without any feelings attached. And so he moved on. He wanted to show me that he had moved on, so I would resume the friendship as it had gone on before. Only, he didn't know that I didn't want that...  
  
This is where the diary ended. I closed the cover and held it in my hands. My eyes were red from crying and I now knew that Jess did still love me after all....There was still hope. And I knew what I had to do. 


End file.
